All I Ever Wanted
by drunk-on-disappointment
Summary: She had once believed she could love again. She had thought she had found a new life with her. She had lied to herself. Cynical!Anna AU, one-shot. I suck at ratings, so let me know if I should change it.


**So this was partly inspired by all of the Cynical!Anna post I have seen on Tumblr by elsannaheadcanons and by the song All I Ever Wanted by Airborne Toxic Event. I celebration of completing my AP English test, I present to you this once-shot. I'm mildly surprised that I was able to write this after I had to write three essays in the span of two hours today (although I wrote all of mine in a little over hour and a half). Anyway, I hope you enjoy. **

* * *

I'm lying in bed. You're next to me, breathing soundlessly.

I can't sleep.

I never can.

But you, you always sleep, so easily. No worries.

I can see the sky coming alive, such a contrast to my dead world.

I can't tell you these things, not awake, not asleep, never in my wildest dreams, but I think you can hear my thoughts.

I want you too, but I'm scared what you would do if you did.

Think of me as a monster, probably.

I think that about me too. A monster incapable of any real affection, any real emotions.

I remember when you came to me, tears in your eyes, shaking and all I could do was hold you. I never offered you any comfort but my cold, cold embrace.

But you still wrapped your arms around me and held me close.

You thought I was your anchor, keeping you afloat when I am really the ocean drowning you, surging around your battered body.

We're both broken.

I had been so desperate for love; you had been so desperate for distraction. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Maybe both terms apply to the both of us.

I could feel myself growing further apart from you. I didn't care.

Maybe I'm incapable of caring.

I don't care.

I only pretended I did.

I used to be part of plays in school, when it was only a hobby, my part-time job. Now it's constant. I'm always acting, pretending, faking.

Lying.

Always lying.

To you.

To me.

Always to you.

I had told you I was happy. I put on my best smile.

You looked happy, sounded happy, and at those times I thought I loved you.

Actually loved you.

But I am incapable of pure, unadulterated emotion, like the love I know you have for me. So clean, pure.

I'm corrupt, twisted, monstrous.

Yet you love me.

You said you would always love me. I had always wanted love, dreamed of it when I was a child. Those dreams shattered when I met _him, _but in my crumbled and battered state I has thought that I could love again.

I thought I could love you.

I told you all you ever wanted to hear. All of those sick, horrible lies that everyone wants to hear.

Those empty promises.

I turn and look at you, your back bare, your skin so white, so soft, and I feel like I might implode.

When I had first seen you, I couldn't help but feel something.

Happiness.

Warmth.

Excitement.

Hope.

All dead now, all pointless.

I had felt something that night too, the night where you were so clumsy, so unpracticed. You had fumbled and blushed. You had no idea what you were doing.

Because you were so pure, so untainted.

I had led you like the leader of a dance and you had buried your face in my neck after, and I had felt something.

Something I had thought to be so beautiful, so you.

I had cried that night, while you slept. Because I knew that it was all a lie. Not on your side, no, I truly believe that you believe everything you said.

No, all lies on my part.

Lies to you.

Lies to me.

Always to you.

I had held you while you cried, and I wished I were the cause of those tears. Because then you would have realized how bad I am for you.

I used to think life was a battle worth fighting. I had thought that you could win.

You can't.

No one can.

You still think that you can.

And I feel sorry for you.

Or maybe myself.

You had asked me if I would be here, when you woke up, when you fell asleep, when you cried, when you needed an anchor.

I had said yes.

Of course I had lied. But I told you everything you wanted to hear and you had smiled and I thought that that smile was almost worth everything. I told you I would save you. You thought I would save you from yourself.

I meant that I would save you from me.

I turn away from you, because I can't stand to look at you, because deep down I know you will cry and I won't be there to save you.

And you will know everything was a lie. You will learn that everything is a lie.

And you will become corrupt, twisted, distorted to the world. Your mind will become shattered like mine.

My heart beats faster when I think of that. But I can't prevent it. I can't hold back the scream anymore.

You shift, as I get out of bed, body stiff. I think you'll wake up.

You don't.

I shudder and the sun peaks over the horizon, shining in on your platinum blonde hair, which is slightly tangled, your barely noticeable freckles that I use to count like the stars, your light pink lips, parted slightly as you dream.

Or silently scream, but I desperately hope it is the first. I hope you're dreaming of something nice.

I leave you there, alone, so you can wake up and see all of my lies in the light of a new day. I don't want to be there when you wake up.

So I don't turn back, feeling free, yet oddly disappointed that I feel nothing else.

Except something, so small that I overlook it, or try to, at least.

Perhaps regret.

I lie to myself and say I don't feel anything. I only feel the brisk morning breath on my face and the sun in my red hair.


End file.
